Op Ed: It’s Not Even That Cold

By: CJ Fritz, Horny Sandwich

How dare you. How dare all of you walk around with your coats and your pants in this weather. If you honestly think that it is cold you are pathetic. I have never felt cold in my life and all of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

I own exactly two pairs of shorts, one pair of cargo shorts and one pair of zip off pants. You might be thinking, but wait, zip off pants aren’t shorts! That’s right, dumbo. Except that immediately upon buying my zip off pants, I unzipped them and lit the lower half on fire.

Your Patagonya and Uggggs can’t save you from the eternal damnation of feeling chilly. Only once you wear flip flops comfortably in January will you be saved. God does not look kindly on those who shiver in the cold.

No one has ever been as not cold as I am. I’m not shivering, you’re shivering. My teeth are just chattering ironically.

When you return to Whitman ten years down the line with your fancy new coat and your shiny new pants, you’ll reminisce about how not cold I was.

Well, guess what? I’m still not cold…not even close. When I arrive at that reunion inevitably wearing a polo shirt with plaid shorts and slip-ons, don’t come crying to me about the weather because I promise you that I can’t relate.

I don’t want to hear that it’s two degrees outside. Temperature is a state of mind, just like my blue lips and my blackened fingertips. It’s all mental, and you pansies don’t seem to understand that.

With so much fake news swirling around, I felt the need to set the record straight. It isn’t even that cold, and anybody who claims that it is cold is an un-American, lying communist.

 

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Shocked congressmen realize capitol building looks like a boob

By: CJ Fritz, Old Bowl of Pasta

Washington, D.C. – On a rainy day in the nation’s capital, two aging senators nervously sip scotch in a chic bar, too disturbed to make eye contact with each other.

I sit across from Senators Shuck Chumer and McCitch Monnell wondering how two of the palest men in the nation managed to look even paler. It is as if they have invented a newer, even whiter shade of white.

Senator Chumer is the first to speak.

“We have discovered a horrifying oversight in Washington that the American people deserve to know about. The capitol building looks like a boob.”

My lack of reaction stuns them. Chumer continues, saying, “You know, the little top part looks like a nipple and the dome underneath is the, uh…booby.”

Senator Monnell clutches his chest and winces as Chumer whispers the word “nipple.” To demonstrate their point, Monnell pulls up an image of the capitol building followed by an image of a woman’s breast. He flips between the photos repeatedly before setting the breast photo as his lock screen.

Steadying himself, Monnell says, “Boobs are a bipartisan issue, and it is our job as congressmen to regulate the public presentation of boobs. We do not know how this hallowed building came to look so boobish, but we intend to get to the bottom of this.”

Chumer nods in agreement, saying “I don’t know how that boob slipped through our fingers, but we plan to clamp down on this issue and give this emergency the old-fashioned bipartisan purple nurple.”

The senators, now both visibly aroused, transition to their proposed solution to Washington’s Boob-onic Plague.

“Starting tomorrow, we will begin tearing down the dome of the capitol building. There’s just no place for boobs in government,” says Monnell. “We will then begin reconstruction, placing an erect missile and two cannon balls on top of the building. That should solve it.”

 

Want to scream at me digitally? Find me on Twitter: @theflushfactory

Mortified vegan swallows gnat

By: CJ Fritz, Kitten Critic

Carmen Allen stares out the window of vegan juice bar Highway to Kale, casting her forlorn gaze across the bustling as she relives the tragic moment. She fiddles anxiously with a PETA stress ball (not tested on animals).

As Allen recalls, it was 3:45pm on Sunday when she left her house to jog to the vegan yoga studio, The Carrot Crevice. Dressed in running sandals and full-body spandex, Allen began her pilgrimage.

She had forgotten to eat her typical pre-jog snack of broccoli and radishes topped with grated brussel sprouts and human tears before leaving and could feel herself becoming ravenous.

“I was already preparing mentally to eat the shit out of some raw veggies when I got home,” says Allen. “Drool was pooling in my mouth and cascading down my chin as I ran. My sandals were starting to slosh with saliva.”

Highway to Kale goes quiet as sympathetic vegans listen in on Allen’s horror story. Allen sobs and stammers as she relives her nightmare.

“I- I- I opened my mouth to- to spit out the excess drool and- and- and, oh GOD!” says Allen. “And I swallowed a gnat.”

Screams echo around the juicery. Several vegans collapse to the ground, heartbroken.

“And the worst part is…it tasted fantastic” says Allen.

In the blink of an eye, a riot engulfs the juicery and Allen is decapitated by the enraged mob.

UPDATE: Despite several health code violations, Allen’s severed head now sits atop a spike on the counter in Highway to Kale.

 

Like what you’re reading? Want to insult me directly about my horrendous writing? Find me on Twitter: @theflushfactory 

Man quits therapy, gets girlfriend instead

Three weeks ago, Kevin Nance was a normal shmuck seeing a therapist every week to work through his problems. Like an idiot, for months Nance was paying for local therapist Terry Jones’ expertise backed by Jones’ PhD in counseling psychology.

One day, while shelling out cash following a therapy session, Nance came to a brilliant decision.

After paying for the session, Nance informed Jones that he would no longer be needing therapy. Nance’s revelation stunned Jones.

“I was shocked that Kevin wanted to halt his therapy,” says Jones. “I mean, sure, he was making progress, but the guy is an emotional mess. He needs serious professional attention.”

After quitting therapy, Nance immediately changed his Tinder bio to “Just a dreamer looking for love. Big heart, bigger wiener,” in the hope of attracting a girlfriend.

Nance’s new Tinder bio attracted several suitors prepared to commit to Nance’s chiseled features and sterile personality.

Nance began dating his new girlfriend Tiana nine days after severing ties with his therapist.

“Tiana couldn’t have come into my life at a better time,” says Nance. “I was starting to feel the emotional burden of being out of therapy, but once I met Tiana I could tell that she will be the perfect woman to replace my therapist.”

“Tiana listens so well and is so in touch with her emotions,” says Nance. “Plus, I only have to put up with a couple dates per week in exchange for throwing gobs of my emotional feces at her so she can solve my problems for me.”

Nance claims that he does occasionally feel bad for having left his therapist in the dust.

“Sure, I feel bad for ditching Mr. Jones, but it wasn’t him, it was me,” says Nance. “Getting a girlfriend is so much cheaper than getting a therapist. It was nothing personal, just strict dollars and cents.”

Sometimes Words Rhyme: World Premiere!

The Flush Factory proudly presents the inaugural episode of Sometimes Words Rhyme, titled Lovey Dovey Cuddly Bears, hosted by Kenneth and Alejandro.

As Napoleon once said, “podcasts are the heart and soul of the human condition.”** Sounds pretty smart to me.

Enjoy!

 

**Napoleon is a paid sponsor of The Flush Factory and made this statement against his will.

Area man accidentally voices opinion on Israel

On Sunday morning, local man Gavin O’Neil was rushed to the hospital to be treated for shock and trauma.

According to witnesses, O’Neil had been attending brunch with friends at Bacon & Kegs when the topic of Israel came up without warning.

O’Neil, taken by surprise, accidentally voiced his opinion about the Israel-Palestine conflict. O’Neil has no actual knowledge of the conflict and isn’t quite sure if he could identify Israel on a map.

After being released from the hospital, O’Neil answered questions from The Wire while wrapped in a trauma blanket.

“I don’t know what got into me,” O’Neil says. “We were talking about different types of small hats and all of a sudden I was making claims about a two-state solution. I don’t even know what ‘two-state solution’ means.”

Judie Schwartz, friend of O’Neil and a known Jew, never expected Gavin to be the one to make a stand on Israel.

“Gavin is usually a pretty smart guy,” says Schwartz. “But even I don’t talk about Israel…I have no idea what’s going on over there. It’s all so icky. I’m more of a drink-wine-on-Friday kind of Jew, not a talk-about-Israel kind of Jew.”

O’Neil, who plans to spend a month away from work in order to properly recover, says that he truly regrets opening his massive trap.

On Monday, a city-wide protest against O’Neil broke out in Walla Walla, attracting 15,000 people to O’Neil’s home.

Signs at the protest included, “Gavin O’Neil Israeli stupid,” “Brunch is for day drinking, not politics,” and “This gives me ulcers, let’s change the subject.” When approached by reporters about what exactly was wrong with O’Neil’s comments, several protesters abruptly fainted.

Paramedics rushed to the scene and found that protesters who had fainted regained consciousness as they got farther away from reporters.

Birkenstalker nabbed by Feds

For weeks, the Birkenstalker has terrorized the Walla Walla community, leaving Birkenstock owners clutching their sandals tighter than ever. Dogs have stopped playing, children have stopped laughing, and the sun has stopped shining.

Since mid-August, the Birkenstalker has preyed on unsuspecting Birkenstock-wearers, luring them into traps by exploiting their love for all things granola.

On Monday evening, the community rejoiced after news broke that the feared Birkenstalker was finally brought to justice. At 10:54 pm, the fourth floor Jewett room of ultimate frisbee fanatic Danica Walsh was raided by federal law enforcement.

Walsh was found in possession of over 900 pairs of Birkenstocks in her room, each labelled with the date and location from which they were stolen.

Walsh, who is being rushed to trial as the community seeks an end to this sandal madness, employed highly specific tactics in her quest to deprive poor, innocent Birkenstock-wearers of their leathery foot paradise.

Several victims reported being approached by a very chill young woman. The woman, identified later as Walsh, would initiate contact while barefoot, holding a slackline and a frisbee.

First-year victim Scott Fischer recalls how Walsh lured him into her trap.

“This totally wicked chica came up to me and asked if I wanted to sling the disc for a little while,” says Fischer. “She threw me a sweet huck that went just over my head. By the time I went to toss her a sick hammer, she was gone.”

When Fischer returned to his dope hammock spot, he describes feeling panic wash over him upon discovering his beloved beige Birkenstocks were missing.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” says Fischer. “One second we were frizzing, and the next second my best pair of Birks were gone…so not chill.”

Federal agents announced yesterday that each victim can expect to be reunited with their Birkenstocks by next week.