President Abraham Lincoln has gone from some assassinated loser to modern hero practically overnight. Last week, thanks to the tireless efforts of Buzzfeed News and the Club Penguin Chat Room, letters surfaced proving that Abraham Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth were in fact longtime friends who bonded over pranks.
After further investigation, a defunct YouTube channel was uncovered which listed two administrators: KissingB00th69 and sitonmylincolnlog. The two accounts were linked back to Booth and Lincoln. The YouTube channel had only three videos, which included, “Poop Dollarrrrr $$,” “You won’t BELIEVE what George Washington looks like now!!” and “Big plans in the works lol.”
This third video now haunts historians. It lasts only 12 seconds, but Booth can be seen examining the blueprint of the theater in which Lincoln was “assassinated” before Lincoln draws a massive cartoon penis on it in Sharpie.
After the letters and videos were discovered, Lincoln shocked the world by making a public appearance at the MTV Music Awards to announce that he was, in fact, alive and that he had been cryogenically frozen following the prank.
In the days since, Lincoln has captured the spotlight around the world, speaking at the Harvard commencement address and playing Pictionary on The Tonight Show.
Yesterday, though, in an interview with GQ, Lincoln tripped over a simple question. The following transcript is courtesy of GQ Magazine:
Interviewer: So Abe, you’ve been fully thawed for about a week now, have you had a chance to catch up on some pop culture?
Lincoln: In fact I have! I always hated theater so I am incredibly thankful that new, less exhausting entertainment has been invented. I’ve quite liked the hip hop I’ve heard so far.
I: I think we can all agree that theater blows. Who are some of your favorite hip hop artists so far?
L: I’ve been rather taken by the Shia LaBeouf freestyle on Sway, but I’d have to say my favorite has been Biggie Smalls. In his lyrics, it is almost as if he is writing a speech, telling a story.
I: Do any of his lyrics particularly impress you?
L: Mmm, yes. One reminded me particularly of my time in the Oval Office. It went like, “Today’s agenda, got the suitcase up in the Sentra/Go to room 112, tell them Blanco sent ya/Feel the strangest, if no money exchanges/I got these kids in Ranges, to leave them n****s brainless.”
The now infamous clip has circulated online 9 billion times.
In a public statement earlier today, the racist pig attempted to apologize to the public.
“I have always wanted to be trending on Twitter, but not like this. I am truly sorry for the pain that I have caused. In my defense, I have literally been frozen solid for the last 150 years, but I am not here to make excuses. But let’s be honest, that seems like a pretty good excuse. I would like to apologize to all those that I have offended, but, like, I emancipated the slaves so maybe I deserve a freebie on this one. I also have tons of Black friends. Thank you for your time.”
Lincoln was shot hours later by a heroic armed citizen.