Local student can’t afford to burn belongings out of protest

Last week, Adidas CEO Trent Whitestick was embroiled in controversy after announcing that he prefers wearing boxers instead of briefs.

After catching wind of the shocking scandal, many Americans took to social media to show their disapproval of Whitestick’s life choices.

Many disgruntled Adidas customers and briefs-loyalists are now burning their Adidas gear in protest of Whitestick’s choice of genital support – or lack of support…I mean, boxers? Really??

According to estimates, nearly twelve billion dollars-worth of Adidas merchandise has been burned since the scandal broke.

Local student and Adidas-wearer Cameron Stephens attests that many of his friends have publicly burned their Adidas gear.

“Lots of my buddies have been burning their Adidas stuff as a protest recently,” says Stephens. “I’m as angry as the next guy about this whole thing, but my Adidas sweatpants are kinda the only pants I have that fit me right now.”

Stephens was devastated when he realized that he would not be able to burn his clothing in solidarity with the protest.

“As far as I’m concerned, briefs should be the only underwear option, period,” says Stephens. “But I’m a full-time student and this protest just came at the wrong time for me, financially.”

Stephens’ friends have taken notice of his unwillingness to burn his only good pair of pants.

“I get that Cameron needs those pants, but if you’re not willing to burn some pants in the name of briefs, then what do you stand for?” says Stephens’ long-time friend and briefs-wearer Jack Butler.

Stephens has pledged on Facebook that he plans to burn his Adidas pants immediately upon resuming his babysitting work this spring. He acknowledges that he must endure social exile until he finally sets his pants alight.

“There are consequences to our actions in this world. I am not above those consequences,” says Stephens.

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