Birkenstalker nabbed by Feds

For weeks, the Birkenstalker has terrorized the Walla Walla community, leaving Birkenstock owners clutching their sandals tighter than ever. Dogs have stopped playing, children have stopped laughing, and the sun has stopped shining.

Since mid-August, the Birkenstalker has preyed on unsuspecting Birkenstock-wearers, luring them into traps by exploiting their love for all things granola.

On Monday evening, the community rejoiced after news broke that the feared Birkenstalker was finally brought to justice. At 10:54 pm, the fourth floor Jewett room of ultimate frisbee fanatic Danica Walsh was raided by federal law enforcement.

Walsh was found in possession of over 900 pairs of Birkenstocks in her room, each labelled with the date and location from which they were stolen.

Walsh, who is being rushed to trial as the community seeks an end to this sandal madness, employed highly specific tactics in her quest to deprive poor, innocent Birkenstock-wearers of their leathery foot paradise.

Several victims reported being approached by a very chill young woman. The woman, identified later as Walsh, would initiate contact while barefoot, holding a slackline and a frisbee.

First-year victim Scott Fischer recalls how Walsh lured him into her trap.

“This totally wicked chica came up to me and asked if I wanted to sling the disc for a little while,” says Fischer. “She threw me a sweet huck that went just over my head. By the time I went to toss her a sick hammer, she was gone.”

When Fischer returned to his dope hammock spot, he describes feeling panic wash over him upon discovering his beloved beige Birkenstocks were missing.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” says Fischer. “One second we were frizzing, and the next second my best pair of Birks were gone…so not chill.”

Federal agents announced yesterday that each victim can expect to be reunited with their Birkenstocks by next week.

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