By: CJ Fritz, Horny Sandwich
How dare you. How dare all of you walk around with your coats and your pants in this weather. If you honestly think that it is cold you are pathetic. I have never felt cold in my life and all of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
I own exactly two pairs of shorts, one pair of cargo shorts and one pair of zip off pants. You might be thinking, but wait, zip off pants aren’t shorts! That’s right, dumbo. Except that immediately upon buying my zip off pants, I unzipped them and lit the lower half on fire.
Your Patagonya and Uggggs can’t save you from the eternal damnation of feeling chilly. Only once you wear flip flops comfortably in January will you be saved. God does not look kindly on those who shiver in the cold.
No one has ever been as not cold as I am. I’m not shivering, you’re shivering. My teeth are just chattering ironically.
When you return to Whitman ten years down the line with your fancy new coat and your shiny new pants, you’ll reminisce about how not cold I was.
Well, guess what? I’m still not cold…not even close. When I arrive at that reunion inevitably wearing a polo shirt with plaid shorts and slip-ons, don’t come crying to me about the weather because I promise you that I can’t relate.
I don’t want to hear that it’s two degrees outside. Temperature is a state of mind, just like my blue lips and my blackened fingertips. It’s all mental, and you pansies don’t seem to understand that.
With so much fake news swirling around, I felt the need to set the record straight. It isn’t even that cold, and anybody who claims that it is cold is an un-American, lying communist.
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