I Am Part of the Resistance Inside TKE

By: An Anonymous Hero

The TKE house at Whitman College faces a test to its fraternity that threatens to bring the entire brotherhood crumbling down. It’s not just that women, queer and trans people, people of color, and people from working-class families are endangered by or excluded from TKE.

The test that TKE faces comes from a select few progressive demigods within the fraternity who are committed to making sure our frat only violates some, not all, human rights.

I am not some feminist liberal. I rip the bong. I shotgun hella brews. Yet despite my commitment to getting shitfaced with other straight white men, I also recognize that TKE may not be as chill as some of my brothers think it is.

Last spring, I successfully spearheaded a movement within TKE to prevent our “Thugs n’ Sluts” party from happening. I worked tirelessly, and in the end was able to have the party theme changed to “Gangstaz n’ Hoes.”

Do you smell that? That’s the scent of progress brought about by a cognizant bro, bro.

A select few modest fradders have taken an oath to solemnly protect the Whitman community when it is convenient for us, and I must say that we are doing a truly incredible job.

When my brothers suggested that we only allow hot bitches into our parties, I ensured that the glorious TKE basement remained open even to kinda hot bitches.

To this day, kinda hot bitches remain welcome at our sweaty functions.

To my independent classmates: don’t fear. I am the dark knight you have all been waiting for, and I will dutifully fulfill my obligation to occasionally protect you from my frat.

I ask for nothing other than admiration and sex in return for my humble heroism.

Area dog owners decry canine unpaid emotional labor

A crisis in unpaid labor is gripping college campuses across the country. Exploitative practices and unchecked privilege have led to the abuse of some of the area’s most important workers.

For 150 years, college students have capitalized off of canine unpaid emotional labor, and dog owners near Whitman College have had enough. After tensions cooled following the beginning of summer break at Whitman, tempers are flaring once again as students return to campus.

Dog owner Susan Adams says, “I just want to walk my dog five feet without a student crying over poor Spot and unloading their stress on him. He’s not a therapy dog, he’s a schnauzer.”

Over the last academic year, Adams, who founded the local Canine Communist Workers’ Union, estimates that Spot endured 100 hours of emotional labor and comforted 600 sobbing students without receiving so much as a “thank you” or a few dollars on Venmo for his work.

A group of Whitman students interested in going into business have started Students Against Workers’ Rights, aiming to ensure that canine laborers are not compensated for their work. Lyle Shaw, founder of the group, says “This will be great experience to set myself apart to future employers.”

Governments across the world have long ignored the plight of canine laborers. President Richard Nixon famously said, “The idea of paying dogs for their labor is ridiculous. Next thing I know, people will be asking that women earn the same wage as men. Do you see how that’s a slippery slope?”

 

Slow News Day Leads To Deaths

New York City, NY — On Tuesday evening, an anonymous source from inside the White House confirmed that President Donald Trump, in a fit of hunger, ate his phone after accidentally mistaking it for beef jerky.

While the President remains offline, and as he struggles to pass the fragmented remains of his phone, national media is running low on stories.

With Trump glued to the toilet — experiencing what Kellyanne Conway described as the anal equivalent of an unchewed tortilla chip scraping its way down your throat — media outlets are scrambling to fill hours of news.

This morning at approximately 11:03 am, a Fox News staffer threw a colleague out of a window at the Fox Headquarters, hoping to generate a news story.

Unfortunately for him, writers from CNN, MSNBC, Buzzfeed, Good Housekeeping, National Geographic Kids and Young Catholics for Speedwalking all seemed to have the same idea.

The day’s news thus had to be split seven ways, with no network experiencing the spike they had hoped for.

Luckily the seven employees thrown out of windows were only interns, thus none of the publications have faced backlash from the public.

Missed Connections #1

Hi there 🙂

We met three days ago (July 6) in San Francisco airport. I was sweating. Hard. They almost gave me a wheelchair. So much sweat.

You were the red-head with eyes as black as night. You wore a lime green shirt underneath your United Airlines uniform. I think you were wearing it ironically but it wasn’t ironic enough to be funny.

I was wearing the fishnet tank top, which allowed my chest hair to poke through. You complimented my size 6 Toms and smiled. Your teeth were gnarled and gray-ish. You smelled like you worked at a fish hatchery.

You told me that I “couldn’t board the flight” because it had taken off “14 hours ago” and that “throwing a tantrum wouldn’t bring the plane back” You offered me a 5% discount on M&M’s from the United Lounge.

I threw my neck pillow at you but you ducked. I was trying to get home to see Nana. You tried to help another customer so I poked you in the eyes, Three Stooges style.

You cried and I ran away.

Let me know if this was you!!! I’d love to meet up…maybe create a life together.

Manly man discovers bubble tea

Outside of Sippy Yum’s Tea House, Rod Buzzas decides to take a chance. He enters the dank, fragrant storefront, squinting disapprovingly. The stench of his cigar mingles with the pine sap and grapefruit candles inside. He fondles his Leatherman multitool for comfort. Buzzas wonders what his manly male dude friends would think as he peruses the cream colored menu. He’s heard of chai, and even oolong, but only by accident. It thrills him to be trying something so dangerous. Buzzas’ calloused fingers stop at the bottom of the menu and his eyes fall on a word that he recognizes: bubble.

He approaches the teatender, named Zenith who greets him with a jingle, “welcome to Sippy where all we serve is Yummy, sip sip sip till there’s only yum in your tummy.” Buzzas ignores the catchy jingle and asks in a gruff voice about the bubble tea. Zenith’s androgynous appearance confuses Buzzas, and he forgets to listen to what Zenith says. In a panic, he orders a honeydew bubble tea and waits nervously, thumbing his flip phone open, closed, open, closed.

His order comes up and Buzzas retrieves it, hand shaking, eyes darting around Sippy Yum’s. He can’t shake the feeling that he is being watched. He takes a furtive first sip of the foreign beverage. The citrusy, smooth taste of the tea delights Buzzas, dancing on his tastebuds. Then, suddenly — what’s this?? — marble-sized tapioca pearls shoot up from the depths of his drink and into his mouth. At first Buzzas pulls away, but as he bites into the pearls, they enchant him. The flavorful, syrupy drink combined with the muted taste and chewy texture of the pearls overwhelm his pleasure centers.

Buzzas falls back into a well upholstered yet rustic armchair, stunned and captivated. Sip after sip, the tea excites him more. He sucks the tea down, drinking and chewing at the same time, giggling like a child. He reaches the final sip as his pleasure crescendos to a previously unknown peak, like a monkey learning to masturbate. He savors every last drop of the heavenly creation, licking his lips and mustache to ensure that no sippy goes unyummed.

Putting the cup down with an utter sense of fulfillment, Buzzas clears his throat violently, rises from his seat, and waddles out of Sippy Yum’s, attempting to hide his visible erection.

Fear Factor Public Apology

Los Angeles, CA — Fear Factor would like to publicly apologize for choosing to include Russian roulette as a challenge on our show. It was poorly thought out and executed in bad taste. Actually we really thought it out. Like we workshopped the idea for a few seasons before pulling the trigger.

As creator, writer, director, host and occasional contestant on the show, I should have known better. Honestly, ratings have been low lately and we needed the shock factor. People just don’t care about cockroaches anymore and that’s kind of what we relied on from the start.

Russian roulette seemed like a god-send when we thought of it. So did the idea of broadcasting it live.

On behalf of the entire Fear Factor crew — which is just me and our cameraman Gareth — we would like to apologize to our dozens of viewers for what they witnessed. In recognition of our wrongdoing we have issued a free reading light to each of our viewers and to the two contestants who survived the challenge.

We are deeply sorry.

Join us next week for our bone chilling finale immediately following the memorial service for our fallen contestant!! Tune in at 3am PST on Monday to find out which of our finalists has a higher resistance to cyanide!

The Fear Factor Finale is brought to you by Wells Fargo and ExxonMobil.

Sincerely,

Donovan Streeter, hmu

Honest Abe Shows His True Colors

President Abraham Lincoln has gone from some assassinated loser to modern hero practically overnight. Last week, thanks to the tireless efforts of Buzzfeed News and the Club Penguin Chat Room, letters surfaced proving that Abraham Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth were in fact longtime friends who bonded over pranks.

After further investigation, a defunct YouTube channel was uncovered which listed two administrators: KissingB00th69 and sitonmylincolnlog. The two accounts were linked back to Booth and Lincoln. The YouTube channel had only three videos, which included, “Poop Dollarrrrr $$,” “You won’t BELIEVE what George Washington looks like now!!” and “Big plans in the works lol.”

This third video now haunts historians. It lasts only 12 seconds, but Booth can be seen examining the blueprint of the theater in which Lincoln was “assassinated” before Lincoln draws a massive cartoon penis on it in Sharpie.

After the letters and videos were discovered, Lincoln shocked the world by making a public appearance at the MTV Music Awards to announce that he was, in fact, alive and that he had been cryogenically frozen following the prank.

In the days since, Lincoln has captured the spotlight around the world, speaking at the Harvard commencement address and playing Pictionary on The Tonight Show.

Yesterday, though, in an interview with GQ, Lincoln tripped over a simple question. The following transcript is courtesy of GQ Magazine:

Interviewer: So Abe, you’ve been fully thawed for about a week now, have you had a chance to catch up on some pop culture?

Lincoln: In fact I have! I always hated theater so I am incredibly thankful that new, less exhausting entertainment has been invented. I’ve quite liked the hip hop I’ve heard so far.

I: I think we can all agree that theater blows. Who are some of your favorite hip hop artists so far?

L: I’ve been rather taken by the Shia LaBeouf freestyle on Sway, but I’d have to say my favorite has been Biggie Smalls. In his lyrics, it is almost as if he is writing a speech, telling a story.

I: Do any of his lyrics particularly impress you?

L: Mmm, yes. One reminded me particularly of my time in the Oval Office. It went like, “Today’s agenda, got the suitcase up in the Sentra/Go to room 112, tell them Blanco sent ya/Feel the strangest, if no money exchanges/I got these kids in Ranges, to leave them n****s brainless.”

I: *GASPS*

The now infamous clip has circulated online 9 billion times.

In a public statement earlier today, the racist pig attempted to apologize to the public.

“I have always wanted to be trending on Twitter, but not like this. I am truly sorry for the pain that I have caused. In my defense, I have literally been frozen solid for the last 150 years, but I am not here to make excuses. But let’s be honest, that seems like a pretty good excuse. I would like to apologize to all those that I have offended, but, like, I emancipated the slaves so maybe I deserve a freebie on this one. I also have tons of Black friends. Thank you for your time.”

Lincoln was shot hours later by a heroic armed citizen.