Slow News Day Leads To Deaths

New York City, NY — On Tuesday evening, an anonymous source from inside the White House confirmed that President Donald Trump, in a fit of hunger, ate his phone after accidentally mistaking it for beef jerky.

While the President remains offline, and as he struggles to pass the fragmented remains of his phone, national media is running low on stories.

With Trump glued to the toilet — experiencing what Kellyanne Conway described as the anal equivalent of an unchewed tortilla chip scraping its way down your throat — media outlets are scrambling to fill hours of news.

This morning at approximately 11:03 am, a Fox News staffer threw a colleague out of a window at the Fox Headquarters, hoping to generate a news story.

Unfortunately for him, writers from CNN, MSNBC, Buzzfeed, Good Housekeeping, National Geographic Kids and Young Catholics for Speedwalking all seemed to have the same idea.

The day’s news thus had to be split seven ways, with no network experiencing the spike they had hoped for.

Luckily the seven employees thrown out of windows were only interns, thus none of the publications have faced backlash from the public.