Mortified vegan swallows gnat

By: CJ Fritz, Kitten Critic

Carmen Allen stares out the window of vegan juice bar Highway to Kale, casting her forlorn gaze across the bustling as she relives the tragic moment. She fiddles anxiously with a PETA stress ball (not tested on animals).

As Allen recalls, it was 3:45pm on Sunday when she left her house to jog to the vegan yoga studio, The Carrot Crevice. Dressed in running sandals and full-body spandex, Allen began her pilgrimage.

She had forgotten to eat her typical pre-jog snack of broccoli and radishes topped with grated brussel sprouts and human tears before leaving and could feel herself becoming ravenous.

“I was already preparing mentally to eat the shit out of some raw veggies when I got home,” says Allen. “Drool was pooling in my mouth and cascading down my chin as I ran. My sandals were starting to slosh with saliva.”

Highway to Kale goes quiet as sympathetic vegans listen in on Allen’s horror story. Allen sobs and stammers as she relives her nightmare.

“I- I- I opened my mouth to- to spit out the excess drool and- and- and, oh GOD!” says Allen. “And I swallowed a gnat.”

Screams echo around the juicery. Several vegans collapse to the ground, heartbroken.

“And the worst part is…it tasted fantastic” says Allen.

In the blink of an eye, a riot engulfs the juicery and Allen is decapitated by the enraged mob.

UPDATE: Despite several health code violations, Allen’s severed head now sits atop a spike on the counter in Highway to Kale.

 

Like what you’re reading? Want to insult me directly about my horrendous writing? Find me on Twitter: @theflushfactory 

Man quits therapy, gets girlfriend instead

Three weeks ago, Kevin Nance was a normal shmuck seeing a therapist every week to work through his problems. Like an idiot, for months Nance was paying for local therapist Terry Jones’ expertise backed by Jones’ PhD in counseling psychology.

One day, while shelling out cash following a therapy session, Nance came to a brilliant decision.

After paying for the session, Nance informed Jones that he would no longer be needing therapy. Nance’s revelation stunned Jones.

“I was shocked that Kevin wanted to halt his therapy,” says Jones. “I mean, sure, he was making progress, but the guy is an emotional mess. He needs serious professional attention.”

After quitting therapy, Nance immediately changed his Tinder bio to “Just a dreamer looking for love. Big heart, bigger wiener,” in the hope of attracting a girlfriend.

Nance’s new Tinder bio attracted several suitors prepared to commit to Nance’s chiseled features and sterile personality.

Nance began dating his new girlfriend Tiana nine days after severing ties with his therapist.

“Tiana couldn’t have come into my life at a better time,” says Nance. “I was starting to feel the emotional burden of being out of therapy, but once I met Tiana I could tell that she will be the perfect woman to replace my therapist.”

“Tiana listens so well and is so in touch with her emotions,” says Nance. “Plus, I only have to put up with a couple dates per week in exchange for throwing gobs of my emotional feces at her so she can solve my problems for me.”

Nance claims that he does occasionally feel bad for having left his therapist in the dust.

“Sure, I feel bad for ditching Mr. Jones, but it wasn’t him, it was me,” says Nance. “Getting a girlfriend is so much cheaper than getting a therapist. It was nothing personal, just strict dollars and cents.”

Area man accidentally voices opinion on Israel

On Sunday morning, local man Gavin O’Neil was rushed to the hospital to be treated for shock and trauma.

According to witnesses, O’Neil had been attending brunch with friends at Bacon & Kegs when the topic of Israel came up without warning.

O’Neil, taken by surprise, accidentally voiced his opinion about the Israel-Palestine conflict. O’Neil has no actual knowledge of the conflict and isn’t quite sure if he could identify Israel on a map.

After being released from the hospital, O’Neil answered questions from The Wire while wrapped in a trauma blanket.

“I don’t know what got into me,” O’Neil says. “We were talking about different types of small hats and all of a sudden I was making claims about a two-state solution. I don’t even know what ‘two-state solution’ means.”

Judie Schwartz, friend of O’Neil and a known Jew, never expected Gavin to be the one to make a stand on Israel.

“Gavin is usually a pretty smart guy,” says Schwartz. “But even I don’t talk about Israel…I have no idea what’s going on over there. It’s all so icky. I’m more of a drink-wine-on-Friday kind of Jew, not a talk-about-Israel kind of Jew.”

O’Neil, who plans to spend a month away from work in order to properly recover, says that he truly regrets opening his massive trap.

On Monday, a city-wide protest against O’Neil broke out in Walla Walla, attracting 15,000 people to O’Neil’s home.

Signs at the protest included, “Gavin O’Neil Israeli stupid,” “Brunch is for day drinking, not politics,” and “This gives me ulcers, let’s change the subject.” When approached by reporters about what exactly was wrong with O’Neil’s comments, several protesters abruptly fainted.

Paramedics rushed to the scene and found that protesters who had fainted regained consciousness as they got farther away from reporters.

Birkenstalker nabbed by Feds

For weeks, the Birkenstalker has terrorized the Walla Walla community, leaving Birkenstock owners clutching their sandals tighter than ever. Dogs have stopped playing, children have stopped laughing, and the sun has stopped shining.

Since mid-August, the Birkenstalker has preyed on unsuspecting Birkenstock-wearers, luring them into traps by exploiting their love for all things granola.

On Monday evening, the community rejoiced after news broke that the feared Birkenstalker was finally brought to justice. At 10:54 pm, the fourth floor Jewett room of ultimate frisbee fanatic Danica Walsh was raided by federal law enforcement.

Walsh was found in possession of over 900 pairs of Birkenstocks in her room, each labelled with the date and location from which they were stolen.

Walsh, who is being rushed to trial as the community seeks an end to this sandal madness, employed highly specific tactics in her quest to deprive poor, innocent Birkenstock-wearers of their leathery foot paradise.

Several victims reported being approached by a very chill young woman. The woman, identified later as Walsh, would initiate contact while barefoot, holding a slackline and a frisbee.

First-year victim Scott Fischer recalls how Walsh lured him into her trap.

“This totally wicked chica came up to me and asked if I wanted to sling the disc for a little while,” says Fischer. “She threw me a sweet huck that went just over my head. By the time I went to toss her a sick hammer, she was gone.”

When Fischer returned to his dope hammock spot, he describes feeling panic wash over him upon discovering his beloved beige Birkenstocks were missing.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” says Fischer. “One second we were frizzing, and the next second my best pair of Birks were gone…so not chill.”

Federal agents announced yesterday that each victim can expect to be reunited with their Birkenstocks by next week.

Local student can’t afford to burn belongings out of protest

Last week, Adidas CEO Trent Whitestick was embroiled in controversy after announcing that he prefers wearing boxers instead of briefs.

After catching wind of the shocking scandal, many Americans took to social media to show their disapproval of Whitestick’s life choices.

Many disgruntled Adidas customers and briefs-loyalists are now burning their Adidas gear in protest of Whitestick’s choice of genital support – or lack of support…I mean, boxers? Really??

According to estimates, nearly twelve billion dollars-worth of Adidas merchandise has been burned since the scandal broke.

Local student and Adidas-wearer Cameron Stephens attests that many of his friends have publicly burned their Adidas gear.

“Lots of my buddies have been burning their Adidas stuff as a protest recently,” says Stephens. “I’m as angry as the next guy about this whole thing, but my Adidas sweatpants are kinda the only pants I have that fit me right now.”

Stephens was devastated when he realized that he would not be able to burn his clothing in solidarity with the protest.

“As far as I’m concerned, briefs should be the only underwear option, period,” says Stephens. “But I’m a full-time student and this protest just came at the wrong time for me, financially.”

Stephens’ friends have taken notice of his unwillingness to burn his only good pair of pants.

“I get that Cameron needs those pants, but if you’re not willing to burn some pants in the name of briefs, then what do you stand for?” says Stephens’ long-time friend and briefs-wearer Jack Butler.

Stephens has pledged on Facebook that he plans to burn his Adidas pants immediately upon resuming his babysitting work this spring. He acknowledges that he must endure social exile until he finally sets his pants alight.

“There are consequences to our actions in this world. I am not above those consequences,” says Stephens.

Slow News Day Leads To Deaths

New York City, NY — On Tuesday evening, an anonymous source from inside the White House confirmed that President Donald Trump, in a fit of hunger, ate his phone after accidentally mistaking it for beef jerky.

While the President remains offline, and as he struggles to pass the fragmented remains of his phone, national media is running low on stories.

With Trump glued to the toilet — experiencing what Kellyanne Conway described as the anal equivalent of an unchewed tortilla chip scraping its way down your throat — media outlets are scrambling to fill hours of news.

This morning at approximately 11:03 am, a Fox News staffer threw a colleague out of a window at the Fox Headquarters, hoping to generate a news story.

Unfortunately for him, writers from CNN, MSNBC, Buzzfeed, Good Housekeeping, National Geographic Kids and Young Catholics for Speedwalking all seemed to have the same idea.

The day’s news thus had to be split seven ways, with no network experiencing the spike they had hoped for.

Luckily the seven employees thrown out of windows were only interns, thus none of the publications have faced backlash from the public.

Manly man discovers bubble tea

Outside of Sippy Yum’s Tea House, Rod Buzzas decides to take a chance. He enters the dank, fragrant storefront, squinting disapprovingly. The stench of his cigar mingles with the pine sap and grapefruit candles inside. He fondles his Leatherman multitool for comfort. Buzzas wonders what his manly male dude friends would think as he peruses the cream colored menu. He’s heard of chai, and even oolong, but only by accident. It thrills him to be trying something so dangerous. Buzzas’ calloused fingers stop at the bottom of the menu and his eyes fall on a word that he recognizes: bubble.

He approaches the teatender, named Zenith who greets him with a jingle, “welcome to Sippy where all we serve is Yummy, sip sip sip till there’s only yum in your tummy.” Buzzas ignores the catchy jingle and asks in a gruff voice about the bubble tea. Zenith’s androgynous appearance confuses Buzzas, and he forgets to listen to what Zenith says. In a panic, he orders a honeydew bubble tea and waits nervously, thumbing his flip phone open, closed, open, closed.

His order comes up and Buzzas retrieves it, hand shaking, eyes darting around Sippy Yum’s. He can’t shake the feeling that he is being watched. He takes a furtive first sip of the foreign beverage. The citrusy, smooth taste of the tea delights Buzzas, dancing on his tastebuds. Then, suddenly — what’s this?? — marble-sized tapioca pearls shoot up from the depths of his drink and into his mouth. At first Buzzas pulls away, but as he bites into the pearls, they enchant him. The flavorful, syrupy drink combined with the muted taste and chewy texture of the pearls overwhelm his pleasure centers.

Buzzas falls back into a well upholstered yet rustic armchair, stunned and captivated. Sip after sip, the tea excites him more. He sucks the tea down, drinking and chewing at the same time, giggling like a child. He reaches the final sip as his pleasure crescendos to a previously unknown peak, like a monkey learning to masturbate. He savors every last drop of the heavenly creation, licking his lips and mustache to ensure that no sippy goes unyummed.

Putting the cup down with an utter sense of fulfillment, Buzzas clears his throat violently, rises from his seat, and waddles out of Sippy Yum’s, attempting to hide his visible erection.