Local student can’t afford to burn belongings out of protest

Last week, Adidas CEO Trent Whitestick was embroiled in controversy after announcing that he prefers wearing boxers instead of briefs.

After catching wind of the shocking scandal, many Americans took to social media to show their disapproval of Whitestick’s life choices.

Many disgruntled Adidas customers and briefs-loyalists are now burning their Adidas gear in protest of Whitestick’s choice of genital support – or lack of support…I mean, boxers? Really??

According to estimates, nearly twelve billion dollars-worth of Adidas merchandise has been burned since the scandal broke.

Local student and Adidas-wearer Cameron Stephens attests that many of his friends have publicly burned their Adidas gear.

“Lots of my buddies have been burning their Adidas stuff as a protest recently,” says Stephens. “I’m as angry as the next guy about this whole thing, but my Adidas sweatpants are kinda the only pants I have that fit me right now.”

Stephens was devastated when he realized that he would not be able to burn his clothing in solidarity with the protest.

“As far as I’m concerned, briefs should be the only underwear option, period,” says Stephens. “But I’m a full-time student and this protest just came at the wrong time for me, financially.”

Stephens’ friends have taken notice of his unwillingness to burn his only good pair of pants.

“I get that Cameron needs those pants, but if you’re not willing to burn some pants in the name of briefs, then what do you stand for?” says Stephens’ long-time friend and briefs-wearer Jack Butler.

Stephens has pledged on Facebook that he plans to burn his Adidas pants immediately upon resuming his babysitting work this spring. He acknowledges that he must endure social exile until he finally sets his pants alight.

“There are consequences to our actions in this world. I am not above those consequences,” says Stephens.

Slow News Day Leads To Deaths

New York City, NY — On Tuesday evening, an anonymous source from inside the White House confirmed that President Donald Trump, in a fit of hunger, ate his phone after accidentally mistaking it for beef jerky.

While the President remains offline, and as he struggles to pass the fragmented remains of his phone, national media is running low on stories.

With Trump glued to the toilet — experiencing what Kellyanne Conway described as the anal equivalent of an unchewed tortilla chip scraping its way down your throat — media outlets are scrambling to fill hours of news.

This morning at approximately 11:03 am, a Fox News staffer threw a colleague out of a window at the Fox Headquarters, hoping to generate a news story.

Unfortunately for him, writers from CNN, MSNBC, Buzzfeed, Good Housekeeping, National Geographic Kids and Young Catholics for Speedwalking all seemed to have the same idea.

The day’s news thus had to be split seven ways, with no network experiencing the spike they had hoped for.

Luckily the seven employees thrown out of windows were only interns, thus none of the publications have faced backlash from the public.

Manly man discovers bubble tea

Outside of Sippy Yum’s Tea House, Rod Buzzas decides to take a chance. He enters the dank, fragrant storefront, squinting disapprovingly. The stench of his cigar mingles with the pine sap and grapefruit candles inside. He fondles his Leatherman multitool for comfort. Buzzas wonders what his manly male dude friends would think as he peruses the cream colored menu. He’s heard of chai, and even oolong, but only by accident. It thrills him to be trying something so dangerous. Buzzas’ calloused fingers stop at the bottom of the menu and his eyes fall on a word that he recognizes: bubble.

He approaches the teatender, named Zenith who greets him with a jingle, “welcome to Sippy where all we serve is Yummy, sip sip sip till there’s only yum in your tummy.” Buzzas ignores the catchy jingle and asks in a gruff voice about the bubble tea. Zenith’s androgynous appearance confuses Buzzas, and he forgets to listen to what Zenith says. In a panic, he orders a honeydew bubble tea and waits nervously, thumbing his flip phone open, closed, open, closed.

His order comes up and Buzzas retrieves it, hand shaking, eyes darting around Sippy Yum’s. He can’t shake the feeling that he is being watched. He takes a furtive first sip of the foreign beverage. The citrusy, smooth taste of the tea delights Buzzas, dancing on his tastebuds. Then, suddenly — what’s this?? — marble-sized tapioca pearls shoot up from the depths of his drink and into his mouth. At first Buzzas pulls away, but as he bites into the pearls, they enchant him. The flavorful, syrupy drink combined with the muted taste and chewy texture of the pearls overwhelm his pleasure centers.

Buzzas falls back into a well upholstered yet rustic armchair, stunned and captivated. Sip after sip, the tea excites him more. He sucks the tea down, drinking and chewing at the same time, giggling like a child. He reaches the final sip as his pleasure crescendos to a previously unknown peak, like a monkey learning to masturbate. He savors every last drop of the heavenly creation, licking his lips and mustache to ensure that no sippy goes unyummed.

Putting the cup down with an utter sense of fulfillment, Buzzas clears his throat violently, rises from his seat, and waddles out of Sippy Yum’s, attempting to hide his visible erection.