Area dog owners decry canine unpaid emotional labor

A crisis in unpaid labor is gripping college campuses across the country. Exploitative practices and unchecked privilege have led to the abuse of some of the area’s most important workers.

For 150 years, college students have capitalized off of canine unpaid emotional labor, and dog owners near Whitman College have had enough. After tensions cooled following the beginning of summer break at Whitman, tempers are flaring once again as students return to campus.

Dog owner Susan Adams says, “I just want to walk my dog five feet without a student crying over poor Spot and unloading their stress on him. He’s not a therapy dog, he’s a schnauzer.”

Over the last academic year, Adams, who founded the local Canine Communist Workers’ Union, estimates that Spot endured 100 hours of emotional labor and comforted 600 sobbing students without receiving so much as a “thank you” or a few dollars on Venmo for his work.

A group of Whitman students interested in going into business have started Students Against Workers’ Rights, aiming to ensure that canine laborers are not compensated for their work. Lyle Shaw, founder of the group, says “This will be great experience to set myself apart to future employers.”

Governments across the world have long ignored the plight of canine laborers. President Richard Nixon famously said, “The idea of paying dogs for their labor is ridiculous. Next thing I know, people will be asking that women earn the same wage as men. Do you see how that’s a slippery slope?”

 

Slow News Day Leads To Deaths

New York City, NY — On Tuesday evening, an anonymous source from inside the White House confirmed that President Donald Trump, in a fit of hunger, ate his phone after accidentally mistaking it for beef jerky.

While the President remains offline, and as he struggles to pass the fragmented remains of his phone, national media is running low on stories.

With Trump glued to the toilet — experiencing what Kellyanne Conway described as the anal equivalent of an unchewed tortilla chip scraping its way down your throat — media outlets are scrambling to fill hours of news.

This morning at approximately 11:03 am, a Fox News staffer threw a colleague out of a window at the Fox Headquarters, hoping to generate a news story.

Unfortunately for him, writers from CNN, MSNBC, Buzzfeed, Good Housekeeping, National Geographic Kids and Young Catholics for Speedwalking all seemed to have the same idea.

The day’s news thus had to be split seven ways, with no network experiencing the spike they had hoped for.

Luckily the seven employees thrown out of windows were only interns, thus none of the publications have faced backlash from the public.

Manly man discovers bubble tea

Outside of Sippy Yum’s Tea House, Rod Buzzas decides to take a chance. He enters the dank, fragrant storefront, squinting disapprovingly. The stench of his cigar mingles with the pine sap and grapefruit candles inside. He fondles his Leatherman multitool for comfort. Buzzas wonders what his manly male dude friends would think as he peruses the cream colored menu. He’s heard of chai, and even oolong, but only by accident. It thrills him to be trying something so dangerous. Buzzas’ calloused fingers stop at the bottom of the menu and his eyes fall on a word that he recognizes: bubble.

He approaches the teatender, named Zenith who greets him with a jingle, “welcome to Sippy where all we serve is Yummy, sip sip sip till there’s only yum in your tummy.” Buzzas ignores the catchy jingle and asks in a gruff voice about the bubble tea. Zenith’s androgynous appearance confuses Buzzas, and he forgets to listen to what Zenith says. In a panic, he orders a honeydew bubble tea and waits nervously, thumbing his flip phone open, closed, open, closed.

His order comes up and Buzzas retrieves it, hand shaking, eyes darting around Sippy Yum’s. He can’t shake the feeling that he is being watched. He takes a furtive first sip of the foreign beverage. The citrusy, smooth taste of the tea delights Buzzas, dancing on his tastebuds. Then, suddenly — what’s this?? — marble-sized tapioca pearls shoot up from the depths of his drink and into his mouth. At first Buzzas pulls away, but as he bites into the pearls, they enchant him. The flavorful, syrupy drink combined with the muted taste and chewy texture of the pearls overwhelm his pleasure centers.

Buzzas falls back into a well upholstered yet rustic armchair, stunned and captivated. Sip after sip, the tea excites him more. He sucks the tea down, drinking and chewing at the same time, giggling like a child. He reaches the final sip as his pleasure crescendos to a previously unknown peak, like a monkey learning to masturbate. He savors every last drop of the heavenly creation, licking his lips and mustache to ensure that no sippy goes unyummed.

Putting the cup down with an utter sense of fulfillment, Buzzas clears his throat violently, rises from his seat, and waddles out of Sippy Yum’s, attempting to hide his visible erection.

Fear Factor Public Apology

Los Angeles, CA — Fear Factor would like to publicly apologize for choosing to include Russian roulette as a challenge on our show. It was poorly thought out and executed in bad taste. Actually we really thought it out. Like we workshopped the idea for a few seasons before pulling the trigger.

As creator, writer, director, host and occasional contestant on the show, I should have known better. Honestly, ratings have been low lately and we needed the shock factor. People just don’t care about cockroaches anymore and that’s kind of what we relied on from the start.

Russian roulette seemed like a god-send when we thought of it. So did the idea of broadcasting it live.

On behalf of the entire Fear Factor crew — which is just me and our cameraman Gareth — we would like to apologize to our dozens of viewers for what they witnessed. In recognition of our wrongdoing we have issued a free reading light to each of our viewers and to the two contestants who survived the challenge.

We are deeply sorry.

Join us next week for our bone chilling finale immediately following the memorial service for our fallen contestant!! Tune in at 3am PST on Monday to find out which of our finalists has a higher resistance to cyanide!

The Fear Factor Finale is brought to you by Wells Fargo and ExxonMobil.

Sincerely,

Donovan Streeter, hmu