Area dog owners decry canine unpaid emotional labor

A crisis in unpaid labor is gripping college campuses across the country. Exploitative practices and unchecked privilege have led to the abuse of some of the area’s most important workers.

For 150 years, college students have capitalized off of canine unpaid emotional labor, and dog owners near Whitman College have had enough. After tensions cooled following the beginning of summer break at Whitman, tempers are flaring once again as students return to campus.

Dog owner Susan Adams says, “I just want to walk my dog five feet without a student crying over poor Spot and unloading their stress on him. He’s not a therapy dog, he’s a schnauzer.”

Over the last academic year, Adams, who founded the local Canine Communist Workers’ Union, estimates that Spot endured 100 hours of emotional labor and comforted 600 sobbing students without receiving so much as a “thank you” or a few dollars on Venmo for his work.

A group of Whitman students interested in going into business have started Students Against Workers’ Rights, aiming to ensure that canine laborers are not compensated for their work. Lyle Shaw, founder of the group, says “This will be great experience to set myself apart to future employers.”

Governments across the world have long ignored the plight of canine laborers. President Richard Nixon famously said, “The idea of paying dogs for their labor is ridiculous. Next thing I know, people will be asking that women earn the same wage as men. Do you see how that’s a slippery slope?”

 

Manly man discovers bubble tea

Outside of Sippy Yum’s Tea House, Rod Buzzas decides to take a chance. He enters the dank, fragrant storefront, squinting disapprovingly. The stench of his cigar mingles with the pine sap and grapefruit candles inside. He fondles his Leatherman multitool for comfort. Buzzas wonders what his manly male dude friends would think as he peruses the cream colored menu. He’s heard of chai, and even oolong, but only by accident. It thrills him to be trying something so dangerous. Buzzas’ calloused fingers stop at the bottom of the menu and his eyes fall on a word that he recognizes: bubble.

He approaches the teatender, named Zenith who greets him with a jingle, “welcome to Sippy where all we serve is Yummy, sip sip sip till there’s only yum in your tummy.” Buzzas ignores the catchy jingle and asks in a gruff voice about the bubble tea. Zenith’s androgynous appearance confuses Buzzas, and he forgets to listen to what Zenith says. In a panic, he orders a honeydew bubble tea and waits nervously, thumbing his flip phone open, closed, open, closed.

His order comes up and Buzzas retrieves it, hand shaking, eyes darting around Sippy Yum’s. He can’t shake the feeling that he is being watched. He takes a furtive first sip of the foreign beverage. The citrusy, smooth taste of the tea delights Buzzas, dancing on his tastebuds. Then, suddenly — what’s this?? — marble-sized tapioca pearls shoot up from the depths of his drink and into his mouth. At first Buzzas pulls away, but as he bites into the pearls, they enchant him. The flavorful, syrupy drink combined with the muted taste and chewy texture of the pearls overwhelm his pleasure centers.

Buzzas falls back into a well upholstered yet rustic armchair, stunned and captivated. Sip after sip, the tea excites him more. He sucks the tea down, drinking and chewing at the same time, giggling like a child. He reaches the final sip as his pleasure crescendos to a previously unknown peak, like a monkey learning to masturbate. He savors every last drop of the heavenly creation, licking his lips and mustache to ensure that no sippy goes unyummed.

Putting the cup down with an utter sense of fulfillment, Buzzas clears his throat violently, rises from his seat, and waddles out of Sippy Yum’s, attempting to hide his visible erection.