Op Ed: It’s Not Even That Cold

By: CJ Fritz, Horny Sandwich

How dare you. How dare all of you walk around with your coats and your pants in this weather. If you honestly think that it is cold you are pathetic. I have never felt cold in my life and all of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

I own exactly two pairs of shorts, one pair of cargo shorts and one pair of zip off pants. You might be thinking, but wait, zip off pants aren’t shorts! That’s right, dumbo. Except that immediately upon buying my zip off pants, I unzipped them and lit the lower half on fire.

Your Patagonya and Uggggs can’t save you from the eternal damnation of feeling chilly. Only once you wear flip flops comfortably in January will you be saved. God does not look kindly on those who shiver in the cold.

No one has ever been as not cold as I am. I’m not shivering, you’re shivering. My teeth are just chattering ironically.

When you return to Whitman ten years down the line with your fancy new coat and your shiny new pants, you’ll reminisce about how not cold I was.

Well, guess what? I’m still not cold…not even close. When I arrive at that reunion inevitably wearing a polo shirt with plaid shorts and slip-ons, don’t come crying to me about the weather because I promise you that I can’t relate.

I don’t want to hear that it’s two degrees outside. Temperature is a state of mind, just like my blue lips and my blackened fingertips. It’s all mental, and you pansies don’t seem to understand that.

With so much fake news swirling around, I felt the need to set the record straight. It isn’t even that cold, and anybody who claims that it is cold is an un-American, lying communist.

 

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I Am Part of the Resistance Inside TKE

By: An Anonymous Hero

The TKE house at Whitman College faces a test to its fraternity that threatens to bring the entire brotherhood crumbling down. It’s not just that women, queer and trans people, people of color, and people from working-class families are endangered by or excluded from TKE.

The test that TKE faces comes from a select few progressive demigods within the fraternity who are committed to making sure our frat only violates some, not all, human rights.

I am not some feminist liberal. I rip the bong. I shotgun hella brews. Yet despite my commitment to getting shitfaced with other straight white men, I also recognize that TKE may not be as chill as some of my brothers think it is.

Last spring, I successfully spearheaded a movement within TKE to prevent our “Thugs n’ Sluts” party from happening. I worked tirelessly, and in the end was able to have the party theme changed to “Gangstaz n’ Hoes.”

Do you smell that? That’s the scent of progress brought about by a cognizant bro, bro.

A select few modest fradders have taken an oath to solemnly protect the Whitman community when it is convenient for us, and I must say that we are doing a truly incredible job.

When my brothers suggested that we only allow hot bitches into our parties, I ensured that the glorious TKE basement remained open even to kinda hot bitches.

To this day, kinda hot bitches remain welcome at our sweaty functions.

To my independent classmates: don’t fear. I am the dark knight you have all been waiting for, and I will dutifully fulfill my obligation to occasionally protect you from my frat.

I ask for nothing other than admiration and sex in return for my humble heroism.