Local student can’t afford to burn belongings out of protest

Last week, Adidas CEO Trent Whitestick was embroiled in controversy after announcing that he prefers wearing boxers instead of briefs.

After catching wind of the shocking scandal, many Americans took to social media to show their disapproval of Whitestick’s life choices.

Many disgruntled Adidas customers and briefs-loyalists are now burning their Adidas gear in protest of Whitestick’s choice of genital support – or lack of support…I mean, boxers? Really??

According to estimates, nearly twelve billion dollars-worth of Adidas merchandise has been burned since the scandal broke.

Local student and Adidas-wearer Cameron Stephens attests that many of his friends have publicly burned their Adidas gear.

“Lots of my buddies have been burning their Adidas stuff as a protest recently,” says Stephens. “I’m as angry as the next guy about this whole thing, but my Adidas sweatpants are kinda the only pants I have that fit me right now.”

Stephens was devastated when he realized that he would not be able to burn his clothing in solidarity with the protest.

“As far as I’m concerned, briefs should be the only underwear option, period,” says Stephens. “But I’m a full-time student and this protest just came at the wrong time for me, financially.”

Stephens’ friends have taken notice of his unwillingness to burn his only good pair of pants.

“I get that Cameron needs those pants, but if you’re not willing to burn some pants in the name of briefs, then what do you stand for?” says Stephens’ long-time friend and briefs-wearer Jack Butler.

Stephens has pledged on Facebook that he plans to burn his Adidas pants immediately upon resuming his babysitting work this spring. He acknowledges that he must endure social exile until he finally sets his pants alight.

“There are consequences to our actions in this world. I am not above those consequences,” says Stephens.

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside TKE

By: An Anonymous Hero

The TKE house at Whitman College faces a test to its fraternity that threatens to bring the entire brotherhood crumbling down. It’s not just that women, queer and trans people, people of color, and people from working-class families are endangered by or excluded from TKE.

The test that TKE faces comes from a select few progressive demigods within the fraternity who are committed to making sure our frat only violates some, not all, human rights.

I am not some feminist liberal. I rip the bong. I shotgun hella brews. Yet despite my commitment to getting shitfaced with other straight white men, I also recognize that TKE may not be as chill as some of my brothers think it is.

Last spring, I successfully spearheaded a movement within TKE to prevent our “Thugs n’ Sluts” party from happening. I worked tirelessly, and in the end was able to have the party theme changed to “Gangstaz n’ Hoes.”

Do you smell that? That’s the scent of progress brought about by a cognizant bro, bro.

A select few modest fradders have taken an oath to solemnly protect the Whitman community when it is convenient for us, and I must say that we are doing a truly incredible job.

When my brothers suggested that we only allow hot bitches into our parties, I ensured that the glorious TKE basement remained open even to kinda hot bitches.

To this day, kinda hot bitches remain welcome at our sweaty functions.

To my independent classmates: don’t fear. I am the dark knight you have all been waiting for, and I will dutifully fulfill my obligation to occasionally protect you from my frat.

I ask for nothing other than admiration and sex in return for my humble heroism.

Area dog owners decry canine unpaid emotional labor

A crisis in unpaid labor is gripping college campuses across the country. Exploitative practices and unchecked privilege have led to the abuse of some of the area’s most important workers.

For 150 years, college students have capitalized off of canine unpaid emotional labor, and dog owners near Whitman College have had enough. After tensions cooled following the beginning of summer break at Whitman, tempers are flaring once again as students return to campus.

Dog owner Susan Adams says, “I just want to walk my dog five feet without a student crying over poor Spot and unloading their stress on him. He’s not a therapy dog, he’s a schnauzer.”

Over the last academic year, Adams, who founded the local Canine Communist Workers’ Union, estimates that Spot endured 100 hours of emotional labor and comforted 600 sobbing students without receiving so much as a “thank you” or a few dollars on Venmo for his work.

A group of Whitman students interested in going into business have started Students Against Workers’ Rights, aiming to ensure that canine laborers are not compensated for their work. Lyle Shaw, founder of the group, says “This will be great experience to set myself apart to future employers.”

Governments across the world have long ignored the plight of canine laborers. President Richard Nixon famously said, “The idea of paying dogs for their labor is ridiculous. Next thing I know, people will be asking that women earn the same wage as men. Do you see how that’s a slippery slope?”