Big Tobacco drowns smokers to decrease lung cancer deaths

By: CJ Fritz, soggy broccoli

On Monday, Big Tobacco rolled out its newest marketing campaign for smokers.

For years, scientific evidence has conclusively proved that smoking causes several types of cancer, especially lung cancer. In order to undercut the evidence, the marketing department of Big Tobacco has devised a way to reimagine how smokers die.

Each Friday afternoon, after eating steak donuts provided in partnership with Big Meat, members of the Big Tobacco marketing team convene with a group of smokers in order to collect “data” from passionate smokers.

Once all of the smokers have arrived, the marketing team begins taking them individually into a small bathroom. With gloves on their hands and bloodlust in their hearts, the team then ruthlessly drowns the smokers one by one.

After the last smoker in the group has been snuffed out, the marketing team goes out for beers. The company has branded the weekly event as #FuneralFriday.

Harold Binger, spokesman for Big Tobacco, celebrates the shift in data on smokers. “This is vindication for what we’ve said all along,” says Binger. “If you smoke, you’re more likely to drown than to die from lung cancer.”

When confronted as to why only smokers in Lincoln, Nebraska – where Big Tobacco is headquartered – have a higher chance of drowning than dying of cancer, Binger was dismissive.

“We are confident that we will begin seeing this trend in statistics across the United States very soon. It’s just a matter of hiring people nationwide who have great upper body strength and cold, dead hearts,” said Binger.

An anonymous satanic demon from inside the Big Tobacco marketing team states that, “Beforehand, I got a sense of accomplishment from seeing people slowly dying of cancer, but this is so much more gratifying. I love knowing that, when I watch the light leave their eyes, I’m doing my part to prevent lung cancer,” said the source.

 

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